My (Unofficial) Application for Congress

Ladies and gentlemen, it is finally unofficial. After months of blogging and voicing opinions, and an overwhelming amount of support (I assume, I haven’t received that much feedback), I am running for a position in US Congress. It is important to consider that I am currently a UK citizen, in the middle of my university education, and haven’t even applied for a green card or any other type of residential application to the United States, I still think I would be a great benefit to their political system. Why don’t I campaign to become a member of the British political infrastructure? Well I haven’t looked into it but I think US Congress get better pay. 

        Of course I wouldn’t expect anyone to vote for me without knowing my policies surrounding all topics. FYI, my key point when appealing for votes is transparency. I believe this will give me an edge over all other applicants in Congress, due to the fact that if I am asked a question on any given topic, I will give an honest answer 100% of the time. Even if it is potentially detrimental to my own campaign efforts. 

      First off,  I shall address the most serious topic in my opinion. Crime. Through doubling the size of the current police force, instating a new justice department consisting of ex-special forces soldiers with a much larger and freer legal boundaries to work within. I guarantee crime will go down 100% within a month. For more information on this topic, look at my previous blogs, where I go into depth on this topic. 

      Second, the environment. New evidence has emerged suggesting that humans are not to blame for the hole in the ozone layer and other damage to the environment, I will look into this further and get solid evidence before I say for sure that it is the case. As a result, I will promote eco-friendly travel such as electric cars and such. As for landfill sites and recycling, continue to recycle, what cannot be recycled, the public have a choice what to do with. We can either burn it, and potentially destroy more of the ozone layer, or have more landfills, and just leave it there, and have mountains of crap lying around everywhere. I will leave that decision to a national poll. 

      Third, Education. I will keep the minimum age of education at 16. As I feel at that age people have a strong idea of what they want to do, and how they want to do it. They have the opportunity to stay on for further education if they wish, but it is not compulsory. I will improve the education system by eliminating private education, and raising the standards of all schools to that level. Also, school isn’t very fun, so kids should be allowed to leave if they want. 

      Fourth, Healthcare. Obamacare is, in my opinion, a great idea. I know certain groups are against the idea, however I will ensure that more jobs are created through an expansion of Obamacare nationally by opening up new departments and the like. I actually don’t see any problems with that, I’m not sure why anyone is against this if I’m honest. I also have a surefire way to tackle obesity. This is through compulsory gym visits, for 45 minutes, once a week. This will be monitored by a ‘Gym Police’. The charges for failing to comply with this are a week in a controlled cardiovascular and hypertrophic centre for the physically unfit (ie. fat camp).

    Fifth, economical. I don’t know what the tax rates are like over there, but while the rich should always be taxed more than the working class, I do not feel that it should a huge amount more, as they have worked to be where they are, and it seems unfair to me that this is then taken away from them to fund people who refuse to work. If you are incapable of physically or mentally seeking employment, then you shall be given government benefits. Each application shall be looked at individually. If you are caught claiming benefits you do not deserve, then you shall be imprisoned for life. Simple. Don’t steal money.

  I do not know how this will be received, however I hope for you unfailing support in this matter, and together, we can make a better tomorrow.

 (Disclaimer: I am not actually running for congress (yet). Please do not take any of my comments seriously, although I dont really know how you could).

Why did the Chicken Cross the Road…An Investigation into Humor

People are the most diverse and interesting species that I have encountered to date. As the title of this article suggests, I will be looking into the different types of humor that people possess, and how it molds them into the people they are.

People have varying types of humor. Some people like extreme humor, such as jokes revolving around unacceptable topics such as racism, others prefer a more acceptable (and in my opinion more humorous) situational humor. Allow me to present an example of this. Earlier this week, my friends and I went to a local pool bar that we often frequent. During the 2 hours of pool playing that ensued, one of my friends had left a pool cue idly balanced against the pool table. Another member of our group lent down to pick something up and it just so happened that the cue slipped and hit him on the head. This provoked a very favorable and joyous reaction from all other members of the group. Personally, this has to be my favorite type of humor.

Other people (generally with a higher opinion of themselves I find) simply find certain things funny because they happened to say them. Go into any given pub, and I guarantee that there will be one of these individuals there. They will simply state the obvious about any given topic, and then proceed to laugh louder than anyone else about it. The content will almost certainly also involve expletives. I will go so far as to give an example of this. The individual in question would say (for example purposes) on the topic of any given football player ‘yeah, but he’s still s***!’ and then laugh on a maniacal level about it.

While I may not always agree or understand other peoples sense of humor, that’s part of the beauty of life. We are all different, and this is what gives life its edge, its fun, its uncertainty. All the things that keep us on our toes, the variables. Until next time.

Crying on TV – The Most Unacceptable Behavior A Male Human Being Is Capable of

Throughout every human beings life, they will undoubtedly encounter a wide range of emotional states of varying severity. This will include highs and lows, the highs are easy enough to handle, provided that the individual in question does not get too carried away with it. The lows, however, can at times be hugely difficult to overcome.

This does not mean that men are allowed to cry over pathetic rubbish such as not being a successful singer. Yes, I refer to the many thousands of applicants to popular television talent shows, with stars in their eyes and over exaggerated dreams. I fully support their attempts to follow these dreams, but think that they should do so with a mature and realistic state of mind. If these dreams are dashed, tarnished or ruined in any way, find a way around it, or pursue another line of work in life. Do not humiliate yourself on terrestrial television, suck up the failure, and move on in a proactive state of mind. Seeing  grown man cry because he couldn’t sing a certain song well enough. Allow me to put things in perspective. There are soldiers on the front line of Afghanistan, risking their lives every single day. That requires an unimaginable amount of bravery, courage, discipline and down to earth thinking. These men are very special people, what they go through will obviously result in emotions running very high. However you will see far less tears shed in any military documentary series than in one episode of a talent show.

If the soldiers are not crying, you do not have the right either, simply because you’ve been sent home from some talent show. I once heard one gentleman say on the topic ‘men should not cry unless they get impaled on a railing’. This is slightly extreme, even for me, however I understand the man’s logic. As usual, I understand that complaining without alternative suggestions yields no reward. So, my suggestion is, as usual, quite tough. 6 months in prison for all male applicants who cry on talent shows. I guarantee that crying on TV will go down 99%. Until next time.

A Long Term Solution to a Long Term Problem – A Governmental Suggestion

The problem I wish to address today is our government. Now I am not going to be on of those people who sits and types a load of anti government crap on the internet simply because he can. Before I make any suggestions of a ‘new’ government,  would like to say that the government we have now is, in comparison to some others, very good indeed.

However, I often feel that we are far too lenient on the topic of law enforcement and prisoners rights. Prisoners are prisoners for a reason, they don’t deserve any rights. Those individuals waived they’re right to any rights when they made the conscious decision to partake in the crime they were convicted of. If I was given control of the prison system, there would be no television, and there would be only 1 hour in the exercise yard a day, and all prisoners would be thrown in a  big pit together where there would be no real monitoring system, apart to ensure that they would not get out.

This brings me on to the wider topic of law enforcement. There are far too many laws surrounding the topic of prisoner rights. Police have to ask the suspect politely to put down the weapon (if they have one) and then wrestle them to the ground, risking they’re own safety in the process. I believe that police should be allowed to carry firearms in the UK, and allowed to use them at their discretion.

If I was in a position of power, I would also form my elite unit of law enforcement units, called the PPA (People’s Protection Army). These units would wear all black with balaclavas and carry military grade weapons, driving around in armored SUV’s, having complete freedom to stop and search, arrest, and if necessary, kill anyone they encounter. These would not be any ordinary men. They would be made up of people who have left the special forces, or failed the selection test. An example of an on the spot punishment for an individual seen, say, selling drugs, would be to hoof him in the balls as hard as the officer could, unless he is a repeat offeder, in which case he would be shot. This would also free up space in the prisons. Crime would become non-existent in the areas where they were applied, however these would only be areas of very high crime. This would end all types of crime, or bring them down a least 75%. Guaranteed. If any one you think this is extreme, then once again I say that I think that we live in a very extreme society, and that unfortunately we are at the stage where we must fight fire with fire. Some will say that this is completely unnecessary, and that this method is far too extreme. Tell that to victims of crime! Until next time.

Bouncers – The Real Menace of the Streets

I have recently been attending a lot of freshers events at my university. This obviously results in a lot of nights out, and thus, inevitably, interaction with a lot of doormen or ‘bouncers’. Now while I rant about this, I feel the need to point out that there are many bouncers out there who do their job properly, and are not douchebags in any way sense or form. There are, however, many other bouncers who are deserving of the classification of ‘douchebag’.

Just yesterday in fact, my friend and I went to a bar that we frequent on a regular basis, and know the doorman by face, but not by name. I was wearing brown loafers, which apparently pass the test to gain entry to this classy establishment. My friend was wearing plimsolls, which apparently do not pass the test. He has worn those specific shoes there before, and thus the only conclusion I can come to is that this bouncer was yes, you guessed it, a douchebag.

This is only one of the many ways in which bouncers can get you. They also seem to have an insatiable love for violence, which I for one cannot understand. Violence comes with the job of course, but they seem to jump to the conclusion that it is instantly necessary in all situations to an excessive level. Personally if I was a bouncer, the objective would be to remove the perpetrator from the bar/nightclub thus eliminating the element of threat from the situation. Not to mash any given persons head into a paste. I have only one conclusion to come to as a result of all this information, that bouncers have confidence issues. They feel the need to take out all of their shortcomings on the everyday public (preferably someone who is smaller than them, no one likes a challenge), thus somehow boosting their starved ego and feeding their already low self worth. This needs to be addressed head on. Free government funded psychological counselling for all bouncers, together we can make the streets a safer place. Until next time.

The Flat-out Ignorance that Illegal Narcotics Instigate

There is a certain type of individual who feels the need to abuse illegal substances. They’re reasons for this are almost always flimsy and complete rubbish. A lot will tell you ‘marijuana causes less deaths every year than cigarettes and alcohol’, and while this may be true (I have no idea whether it is or not), it does not change the simple fact that cigarettes and alcohol are legal to people above a certain age, drugs are not. 

      If your life is at the point where you need illegal drugs to get highs, then you have hit an all time low. Seek help beyond your local drug dealer. Start a new hobby, read a book, make a drastic lifestyle change if you have to, but do not try to spice up your life with anything that is illegal. It will be detrimental to your mental and physical health, and while I have never and will never abuse any illegal substance of any kind, it drives me mad to hear people try and justify drug use. I’m not sure what the current jail time is for drug abuse depending on where you live, but if I was in charge, it would be 10 years minimum on all illegal substances. For drug dealers, I would consider life in prison, or if the situation was repeatedly severe, the death penalty may be re-instated. Extreme? You betcha. Do hard crime? Do hard time. Drugs are illegal, they are illegal for a reason. You are not better than the system, so stop trying to be different, get a job, pay taxes, and fit into society. Until next time.

An Everyday Danger – Cyclists on the Road

Being a regular road user in the UK, I often find myself confronted with the overwhelming challenge of overtaking a cyclist. Not only are these people menaces to other road users, they are most incompatible with all other modes of transport. Allow me to explain.

Cyclists, by nature, are relatively slow moving in comparison to any given petrol powered vehicle (eg. a car). This obviously makes it difficult to pass by, meaning an overtake is necessary. The overtaking of any given vehicle increases the chances of a head on collision drastically, thus making an overtake a rather risky maneuver. This would be acceptable, were it not for the fact that cyclists on roads are a completely unnecessary hazard. As usual, I have an alternative suggestion. If you wish to cycle, go to a cycle track and drive there. Or if there is a designated cycle lane, use that. And do not stray from it. Also, as usual, I have a fairly extreme set of guidelines to enforce these new laws. Drivers would hereby be allowed to actively knock cyclists off they’re bikes, and would receive a government commendation for doing so.

Obviously I realize that this is ridiculously over the top and extremist, however I would like the manners of the said perpetrators to improve. A family member of mine was recently ‘flipped off’ by a road using (or abusing) cyclist after following behind a parallel line of them. They refused to move, or make any effort whatsoever to make it easier for them to move past, and when they finally did make a rather daring overtake, they received a very hostile reception. For this incident alone, I believe that the individual involved (and his accomplices) should receive a minimum of 6 months in prison with no chance of parole. Extreme? Damn right. We need to take a hard line against a hard crime. Until next time.